it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
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I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
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why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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