forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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