how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
