If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
