Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
