Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
