shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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