I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
