Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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