I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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