Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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