my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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