i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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