I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
