I can text with my tongue
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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