hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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