Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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