I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
