i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
