im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
