I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
