I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
