That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
