Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
