dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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