i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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