I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize