If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
