suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
