Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
