I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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