peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
