she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
