I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
