Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
birth control should be required to get into college
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
