Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
