God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
