I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder