Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
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Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
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Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer