I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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