this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
