WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
