Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
