The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
