Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
