No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
