this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
