Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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