you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Floor bacon is actually really good
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
