i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
