so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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