Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
