Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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