this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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