So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you inspire me to be a worse person
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize