cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
