I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
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The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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